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Deviant for 13 Years
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I got a little homesick, and figured what better way to visit my favourite city than through the photos on deviantART.

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dichromatism

Journal Entry: Tue Aug 12, 2014, 10:24 AM
Others will, and have said things about Robin Williams passing (or, exit?) and what kind of person he was. I don't want to just add to a pile, but I do feel that perhaps I have a personal perspective worth sharing. I've deleted older journals where I talk about some of these things, so forgive any repetition.

For someone like me, Robin Williams was a hero - or at the very least a major inspiration. It wasn't simply the jokes themselves, it was the way he looked at the world. He could be unashamedly crass in his humor, and it would put me in stitches, but also, through his acting, he would show people life throughout the spectrum of the human condition. I've read he was bipolar. That makes sense.

---

I grew up in home that was all I could ask for, but at the same time, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It would have been one thing if my dad was just a straight up asshole. But he was bipolar. The same thing could send him into a rage one day, and the very next day trigger a paternal kind of light hearted laugh. It goes without saying that as a kid it was pretty traumatic and confusing. Eventually I grew old enough to figure out methods to deal with it. In some ways I thought it was an advantage - teachers couldn't chew me out and I was emotionally stable under stressful situations.

So I thought. Most of it turned out to be faulty maladjusted practices and thought patterns.  I had tried my entire life not to be like my father, but really I'd just been blind to myself, and in the end I find that I've been exactly like him. All the way down to his method of 'helping' - which always came from a good place, but tended erupt into an ultimately non-constructive rant.

Now I'm 30, and there isn't a moment in my life that hasn't been stained by my illness. Whatever you think of me, whatever idea you have of the kind of person I am, it's not the same as what I know. And that fucking sucks.

Mental illness is still very much a private shame. I can be put in a mindstate where I think things that I wouldn't want to tell anyone in the entire world. And it hurts; I torment myself. It breaks me down and makes me useless to world, or worse, anti-useful.

"But the people around you want to help! Tell us what's wrong!"
- some guy

It just doesn't work like that. Make me tell you what's wrong and it forces me to voice all my fears, delusions, and extrapolated future events. What I need is some calm and quiet within my own mind. And yes, alcohol helps. I don't have access to anything else at this time (I'm heading home for treatment early September, flight is booked.)

At 63, Robin Williams leaves behind quite a body of work. One can only hope to follow his example. But we don't know what his internal struggles were. You think Robin Williams, of all people, lacked people that cared about him? His demons might have been to strong or too many. Only he knows. And even if we can say, oh, but he was depressed; he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't depressed. No fucking shit. But this wasn't a simple sadness.

I'd shake his hand for his contributions, give him a hug with love, and shed a tear as I wish him goodbye.


:heart:


urgh. now watch me delete this tomorrow.

sign of life, +links

Journal Entry: Sat Aug 2, 2014, 6:57 AM
(like fruit in your yogurt, links are at the bottom)

It's my sister's birthday for another half hour, and later this month it'll be mine.

30 years alive, the last ~12 so far a member of dA, though not all of that time has been spent an active participant.

Looking back at my old journals, this is the moment where I'd get all philosophical and nostalgic. I'm not confident I have anything useful to say right now. Looking back at my old journals, I've said a lot of stupid shit.

What I can say is that since coming back I've reconnected with friends, made new ones, and slowly I'm finding myself again - with some crazy moments thrown in to keep people guessing :roll:

dA might have changed a great deal since I first joined, but so long as the core functionality is there we can find community here. It's hard to understate the importance of that in a person's life.

---

I've mentioned before I'll be going back home to visit and get my head straight, but there wasn't a solid date. There still isn't, but the goal is to be home for my birthday. I'm still not in a place in life where I to want to celebrate it, woohoo, but it'll be good to see my family.

And one of these days, soon - hold me to it - I'll talk about Nadia, because she needs to come back too. We've both been gone from the world for too long.

:heart:

Nick/spook



tablet is drugs by thespook
tablet is drugs
drawn with a tablet.
tablets are drugs.
hurrrrrr.
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You're suddenly kidnapped and taken to a remote, isolated location. You'll be there for a while. They let you take one thing from your desk, because who knows why. What is it?
37%
7 deviants said No that one, over there.
32%
6 deviants said This.
16%
3 deviants said These options are getting longer the further down they go. I wonder how they'll sort in the end.
11%
2 deviants said Nope, no internet or cell coverage. Nice try though.
5%
1 deviant said The other thing.
0%
No deviants said That.
0%
No deviants said Yeah, it sucks trying to decide, that's the point. Just pick one thing.
Cthulhu Fhtagn by thespook
Cthulhu Fhtagn
I don't remember exactly what I made this for, but it was one of the graphics I made for the black dA re-skin I used to maintain. I think I replaced an error graphic, maybe the Fella 404?

Anyhow. That was back in 2007.
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:iconrotane:
rotane Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2014   General Artist
Hey man, hope you're doing alright in Spookhausen!
Reply
:iconceydoo-blueshine:
CeyDoo-BlueShine Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Hello! Thank you for your awesome stocks, used some here: ceydoo-blueshine.deviantart.co…  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: ^_^
Reply
:iconcinnamoncandy:
Cinnamoncandy Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy Birthday!
Reply
:iconteresaclark:
TeresaClark Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Professional General Artist
Happy Birthday!!! hope you have a nice day :party: 3-0 is an important one!
Reply
:iconcyphervisor:
CypherVisor Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014
Happy birthday! :)

Have fun! :party:
Reply
:iconginkgografix:
ginkgografix Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014
Happy Birthday, Nick! Have a great day and get some cake :la: :glomp: :heart:
Reply
:iconalanralph:
AlanRalph Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Professional General Artist
Another solar orbit successfully completed! :salute:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
Thanks for the watch :]
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:iconknifeintoaster:
KnifeInToaster Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014
Thank you for the fave! :dummy:
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:iconkpekep:
KPEKEP Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014
wow thanks )
Reply
:iconthespook:
thespook Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014
lol, get out of here - thank you :thumbsup:

Your fractal landscapes are what I wish my dreams were made of :)
Reply
:iconexhale-exhalt:
exhale-exhalt Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for adding my picture to your collection :)
Reply
:iconadokeeffe:
adokeeffe Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the :+fav:s :)
Reply
:iconcinnamoncandy:
Cinnamoncandy Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the watch! :heart:
Reply
:iconthespook:
thespook Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2014
:salute:
Reply
:iconsimplysilent:
SimplySilent Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014
Thank you very much for the watch! :tighthug: :iconsweethugplz:  Please enjoy this freshly baked cookie! :dummy:

:iconcookie1plz::iconcookie2plz::iconcookie3plz:
:iconcookie4plz::iconcookie5plz::iconcookie6plz:
:iconcookie7plz::iconcookie8plz::iconcookie9plz: :iconflyingheartsplz: :giggle:
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:iconclassicsmile:
classicsmile Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Student Photographer
Wow, thank you so much! :D
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:iconthespook:
thespook Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014
MELBOOOOOooOooouRNE! :horns:
Reply
:iconclassicsmile:
classicsmile Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Student Photographer
WOOOOOOOOO!! Happy dance 
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